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The Path to Alienation

This is the first time I have ever wrote a blog, but I’m going to attempt to write my painful story on how I’ve been alienated from my children all names and places have been changed to protect identity of the people involved.

It’s a long story, but I hope you can follow it through all the way.  I’ve always been a loner preferring my own company, I’m originally from the south of England from a separated home myself so understand the pain as a child having your family torn apart and always wanted it to be different for my own family.  Little did I know at the time how hard that would be to keep a loving relationship and family life on track.

I was never good with girls at School and I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I learnt aboutthe world of online dating, when I finally had my first girlfriend at 24 years old and even she was a fair bit younger then me at the time.  It was difficult for me to mix with people my own age, and so much easier with younger people.  With my lack of experience and not very good social skills, this relationship did not last very long.   It wasn’t to long until I went back online chatting to other random girls. All this while studying for my degree at University.   Then, one day I came across one day another young lady whom I chatted to for many hours online and we eventually moved on to swapping mobile numbers and texting all day every day. This young woman was called Jane, she was from a north of England and always thought this is not going to go anywhere she lives so far away.  But, something made me want to keep chatting with her daily and we went on to calling each other.  Jane one day announced she was coming to the south of England to visit her old uni friends and so we thought this would be a great time to meet up .

The date went great we spent the whole day together, and even spent the night together. We had a couple more dates, while she was down but it came the day that she had to go home. It wasn’t long after that we missed each other so much, that I arranged to take a long weekend off work and went all the way up north to stay with her.  This long weekend turned into a week, and this was the start of where it changed my life forever.  I found myself any job I could with an agency, and even my own little flat that she was going to move into eventually with me.  Sounds all crazy now even to me after such a short period, I think I was carried away that someone actually wanting to have a relationship with me.

Well the happiness didn’t last very long, and only after just one month Jane said that she no longer wanted to be with me, and that we both wanted different things.  I didn’t understand what she meant by this, and was broken hearted for the first time in my life feeling sick and stupid that I had moved all the way to the other end of the country for and now was in a strange place isolated again not knowing anyone.  I was confused and didn’t know if to return back, or stay where I was but thought at the time I didn’t really have any friends down south so was no point and so decided to stay and make the best of a new start and new me I thought.

Life carried on with me trying to make the most of my temp job, which was horrible and I hated it. But, I tried to make some friends but due to my social anxiety this was not successful and I found myself back online again. When I wasn’t working I came straight home and switched on the PC and used to chat with random strangers, and felt good that I had people to be my friends . This was all on good old MSN messenger which some may remember, and the MSN chat rooms.  Every day when I was off work I would spend in front of the PC, all weekend constantly.

Then, one day I came across a girl called Lucy and we started chatting she was in the same area as me, only a couple of years younger both were very similar people. It went on for a while chatting, texts,  calling each other just like with Jane.  I soon felt like I knew and loved this girl without even meeting her, of cause getting carried away with all the attention and that someone could be interested in me.  It was not long before we had the first date, and met up both nervous but we went ahead with it even ending up in bed on the first date again.  This was the start of how my life really changed.

The relationship with Lucy moved very fast, again just like the relationship with Jane within one month we were living together at her parents, and after 3 months she was pregnant with our first child.  Both of us were very happy though, it was something we both wanted and never thought it would happen to us most due to our anxiety about life and lack of self esteem we both shared.

I was a good dad to be I looked after the mother of my child, and done my best trying to get all the items needed for a baby ready for the arrival.  Also, attended all the scans and antenatal classes it was all good fun and felt very excited. 

A bomb was dropped around the 6 month period of the pregnancy it came out, after a visit to the house by the police that Lucy’s father was a convicted child sex abuser better known as a paedophile or nonce.  Lucy had mentioned to me before this visit, that she had been a used by her father as a child but I put this to the back of my mind because of how I saw the close relationship she had with the father. But, this became realistic for us now after being told as living in the same house that this man couldn’t be left in the same room as the baby when it would be born.  We both decided that we needed to make sure we found a place of our own, and registered for a council house. We both become even more anxious after our daughter was born, and became very protective of her and with the help of the district nurse managed to get a priority council house. This was great we felt at ease again, apart from,  the visits from the maternal grandparents which led to high anxiety again to watch over our daughter. 

We got on with our life and I become a very good father preparing our daughters bottles, changing her and bathing her . We later went on and tied the knot 6 months after our daughters birth.  After a couple of years we managed to push out the grandfather after a few family arguments.  We went on and had a son who was born two years after the birth of our daughter.  The family was complete , it was a lot harder but happy to have the perfect family with one of each child. Allet our dreams had come true.  But, we were a little isolated with no other family around mine was down the other end of the country and the maternal side was not talking to us because of our decision to keep them away from our children.  We had our arguments with money being tight , and debts building up as a normal young family. 

The tension between my and wife and myself became worse because just under a year after our son had been born , she fell pregnant again this was the last thing we could cope with having three young under school age children with little money.  But, the reality settled and we got used to it and started to prepare and look forward to another child.  This was short lived though because she soon miscarried, and my wife’s mental health went down hill and our relationship really suffered . We even seperated for a couple of weeks, with her leaving me and staying with a friend with the children. Them, couple of weeks were horrible for me but I felt I was not missing her but I missed the children so much they were the love of my life now. 

We did get back together though for the sake of the children, and after a couple of weeks we were told by the council that we could have a much needed 3 bedroom house because the our little house had become far to cramped. This was good news a new home to start again, and make our home. You would of thought this would of been great but no our relationship did not get better but worse, and my wife’s mental health deteriorated more. We argued more mostly about me being to soft with the children, and she being too hard on the children.  But, I couldn’t tell them off and they could do not wrong in my eyes me and the children had a great relationship. Where my wife is went to sleeping in seperate rooms , I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with her and so went to sleeping on the spare bed in my sons room. 

The Path to Alienation Part 6

The week’s turned to month’s, and I continued to get on with my life to secure a good job, and make my home nice and comfortable.  I managed to get myself a little car to get back and forth from work more easier. Anything to try and block out the pain of my children not wanting me in there lives. 

I continued to write my letters, and send gifts but I never got a response ever. But, this didn’t stop me to keep trying and hope that every letter I sent  would be the break through for me. 

Nearly, one year later I learnt that the children’s mother was struggling with her mental health still and couldn’t cope with the children.  But, instead of coming to me she handed them voluntarily to social services and placed them in foster care. 

I tried to get the social services to get them come to me, but the children still refuse to come and the social worker says if I remove them from care they are likely to run away and so advise me not to do this and same as my solicitor. 

It is now come to the point that social services are happy, that I would be able to provide a suitable home for the children and they can’t go back and live with their mother.  But, if the children still refuse to come and live with me the social services will apply to the court for a permanent care order. 

The only option I have now is to keep writing to the children, and hope for a court case to try and persuade the judge to overturn the children’s decision of living with me. 

I’m now waiting for social services to start court proceedings.  Will this ever end….

The Path to Alienation Part 5

I’m sorry for the delay in writing this next part, but this one is difficult to wrote and I think I’ve been putting off writing it. 

I regretted sending the children round to their mother’s in less then half an hour, and knew I had made a mistake and missed them straightaway. But, the weeks went on and they stayed at their mother’s. My daughter continued to say she didn’t want to talk or come and visit me, but my son did want to see me and I was granted permission by their mother to see him for a couple of hours on a Saturday and an odd half hour sometimes an hour during the week after School. He soon forgave me very quickly , and I believed he understood after as well.  We continued to enjoy the short time we had together, but God help us if I was a few minutes taking him back to his mother’s because it was like the end of the world. 

It was hard during the short visits I had with my son because I missed him and, I had no money no job and could hardly feed myself and afford gas and electricity to keep the house warm.  So, I knew I had to find employment to rebuild my life again. After, a couple of months I managed to find temporary employment through an agency working in customer services , not the best of jobs but it paid the bills and put food on the table plus I could put the heating on in the house again.  Even with a little bit to enjoy some time with my son on the couple of hours we had together on a Saturday. The mother soon clocked on that she could have some of my income though , and filed for child maintenance but I didn’t mind really even though there was not much but I knew I had to still provide for my children. 

As the months went on something strange happened with my contact sessions with my son, which I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. My daughter still refused to see me, but on occasions my son would say that he didn’t want to come and see me some weeks so I went without seeing him and on then on weeks he didn’t come he would have little tantrums about very small things which was totally out of character which ended with us arguing and he wanting to go back to his mother’s. So, I either took him or her walked back round in a huff himself with me watching him to the end of the road trying to talk him back. 

This went, on like this for months leaving me heart broken and really down missing him dreadfully . It finally came just before Christmas to the point that my son supposedly didn’t want to see or talk to me anymore. I couldn’t understand,  but knew some thing was not right.  I left it and thought I would give them space , and continued to keep myself busy for a few months with work and building my life up again and even secured a long term temp placement with an agency , which had the prospect of going permanent which was great news for me. 

The next few months were hard not seeing the children, but kept myself busy .  It came to Easter and I decided to buy the children some easter eggs and take them round. I was very nervous, my son and his mother met me at the door. My son burst into tears in my arms saying he missed me, and we both cried hugging each other but my daughter didn’t want to see me. Then, the mother said taking my son back and putting her arms,  round him saying he doesn’t miss me but he missed the dog and I shouldn’t be here and must leave or she will call the police.  I didn’t want any trouble like this, so I left but told my son I will see you soon.

I walked back round home with tears running down my face, but thinking still this is not right and knew I must do something here.  So, Monday morning I filed for a child arrangement order at the family court to get contact access with my children. 

Months went by no word from my children at all, I attended the court hearing and section 7 report from CAFCASS was needed. The next month, I had interviews with a CAFCASS representative raking through all my life history which nothing was found against me.  We went back to court, for the final hearing and all I got was indirect contact to the children fortnightly through the post.  The reason stated was that both children had been interviewed on their own, and they both said that they don’t want to see me plus it was also mentioned that I was violent and aggressive towards them and at risk of causing physical and emotional harm to the children. 

I left that court a broken man, with my good reputation in tatters…

The Path to Alienation Part 4

I had a good think that weekend and knew by Sunday evening what I must do, and that was quit my new job again and focus on looking after the children as a single dad.

The three of us all seemed happy as days went by, when they were at School I spend my day cleaning,  and washing then preparing their tea for when they got home.  When the children finished School , we would have our tea , I would help them with their homework and depending on the day they would either play in the garden or out the front with their friends. If it was a bad weather day their friends would come in, and play also having some tea as well.  All my life revolved around making sure the children were happy and had everything they wanted and needed. 

It was perfect , but everything had a negative side and this was that I was told by social services that I had to supervise the children’s visits with their mother.  This I knew was important that the children still saw their mother , and she must still be involved even when times the children said they don’t want to go I still took them.  It was the right thing to do,  even though I hated every moment being there with her because this gave her the chance to manipulate me, bossing me about again giving me orders , giving her lifts to her appointments. 

This went on for three years, where me and children became so close every weekend we would go on days out to the zoo, farm, theme parks, swimming, the park you name it we went there.  We even had three amazing holidays together one was camping in a tent, then a caravan holiday and the last one was at Butlins. 

But, being a single father and supervising visits with the children’s mother, doing also a part time commission only job  (which was the only work I could find around the children) all took its toll on my own mental health and I began to feel stressed with it all especially with all the financial burden.  The children were picking up on how stressed I was , and the more stressed I was the more they played up for me especially because I was so soft with them and always let them get their own way. 

One Monday morning was to become the worst day and the worst mistake I had ever made in my life.  I was so stressed with money worries not having enough food, the children needed new clothes and to top it all off that morning one of them decided they were not going to School and refused to get ready and the other one took the others side ganging up against me. We had a huge argument about it all, with me shouting more then I normally would saying things I regretted and did not mean but it all ended with me saying if you are not going to do as your told here get back to your mother’s house then I don’t want to see you no more and packed them both off round to their mothers house. This was only around the corner so it was not like they had to go far. 

But, this now was going to be the worst mistake I have ever made which I will contine shortly in the next part….

The Path to Alienation Part 3

I spent a month trying to rebuild my life, concentrating on my new job making my home comfortable.  But, spent every night home alone crying myself to sleep because I missed the children.  I prayed every night for a miracle, my wife wouldn’t let me see the children every day after work because it was mess up their routine and they had to get used to me not being around. 

Eventually,with the help of social workers and school my wife came round to letting me have the children Friday night until Saturday evening.  We had so much fun all together and spent the evening and all Saturday squeezing as much fun and games as we could in. 

As the a couple of weeks passed I had the children more evenings after work, they stayed over and I got them and myself ready .  I dropped them at their mothers in the morning ready to go along for school then went off to work. This happened more and more, but I loved having them without my wife being around to spoil things. 

Then, one Friday night I received a phone call from social services telling me not to take the children back to their mother.  She was not well enough to be left alone with the children.  

This was the best news I could of had, even though it was not nice to hear that their mother was so ill but I had my children back with me full time….

The Path to Alienation Part 2

I carried on in my marriage because I loved my children so much, I thought many times of how to get out but couldn’t leave my children. The children and I were all best friends, and I spent my whole spare time playing with them, and caring for their needs only I didn’t care about my wife at all. With her temper tantrums I think I began to hate being around her, and would be much happier when it was just the children and me. 

My wife’s mental state came so bad, I couldn’t face going to work leaving them with her. So, I decided to leave my employment and stay home to look after my children. I said it was to look after her as well, but it was mainly the children.  I became her carer, so we could claim benefits but this was more like me being her slave as well as seeing to the children which I loved I was waiting on her hand and foot. 

But, one day the shock meeting came when my wifes mental health nurse came to the house which I’m sure was all planned . They sat me down and told me that my wife wanted me to leave the house , because I was causing all her mental health problems. This broke my heart because all that went through my head, was living apart from the children. I cried my eyes out, and was a complete daze for the rest of the day but I agreed to leave if that was she really wanted. 

It took me over a month to find another house, and for all that time my wife made my life hell with constant pressure to get out of the house and sign our home over to her.  But, I was waiting for my private rented new home to become ready for me to move in.  I started collecting bits from the local free cycle sites for my new house.  At the same time looking for employment, but it was torture being in the same house with her. My children I felt so sorry for them , because it was a repeat of my own childhood of separated parents.

I prayed for the house to become ready, and like a miracle a house the house was ready for me and the moving day arrived. Then, I had a phone call for an employer wanted me start work on the Monday after moving in.  This was definitely a sign my prayers had been answered, I was free from her. 

I missed the children so much though, it was like being stabbed in the heart being apart from them.